Vipassana retreat

I went to the meeting point in Bangkok to catch my busy, and the Thai people spoke very little English, so i just hoped that i was on the right bus.  There were 4 other foreigners on this big coach and that was pretty much the sum total of foreigners on the retreat. The rest were all Thai people.  One thing I noticed arising within myself as i waited for the bus to depart, was a fear about the food on the retreat, and part of me was wanting to stock up on something – just in case!  I took a pack of fake oreos and Werthers Originals and hid them in my bag.

When the bus was about 10km away from the centre it started losing power – so on a slight hill, it would splutter and actually cut out.  We then had to switch the aircon off for a while so that the engine could get enough energy to get up the hill.  The way that i interpreted this event, was that there was some resistance towards doing the retreat – so i acknowledged my part in that.  Although i wanted to do the retreat, there is a part of me that really enjoys the distractions of everyday life... like the internet...  We arrived at the Vipassana centre – which was situated close to the Burmese border - and were quickly shepherded into the registration process, where we were assigned a room, given a bag of dishes and a dish cloth, and made to hand over our mobile phones and wallets as well as cameras, books, laptops, pens, paper... I handed in the first two but decided to hold on the rest.  But after finding out there was no lock on my door, and watching the introductory dvd that evening, i decided to surrender and hand over the rest of my goods – i decided to try and play by the rules for once!  The one thing i didn’t do was tell them i was on anti-malarials – you apparently are not supposed to be on any medication, and are asked to hand it in or tell the teacher what medication you are on.  In part, i felt guilty for withholding this information, but another part of me felt infantilised by not being able to be responsible for myself.

The accommodation was little bamboo cottages which had all the necessary amenities. There were only a few hours to get settled before the silence began, and when there is this impending silence there is the question of ‘what is really important to say?’, i found myself not really knowing the answer to this one. 

The external silence begins and the internal chatter gets given a microphone! For the first couple of days as I attempted to observe my breath, my mind kept wanting to take centre stage, but on day 3 it finally realised that i am not giving in and it became quieter.  This enabled me to watch my breath more, which was the intention of the first 3 days.  The idea behind just watching the breath for 10 hours a day, is to help quiet the mind, and to help develop concentration.  After that you move on to the actual Vipassana exercise, which is observing the sensations in the body – and you do this for 10 hours a day as well, amidst a bit of mind chatter...  The intention behind the Vipassana exercise is to develop a greater awareness of the sensations of the body, but more importantly, to help one realise the nature of impermanence (anicca).  One does this by noticing that all sensations arise and pass, not one is there permanently – so to all things in life arise and pass, and by realising this one does not have to suffer.  From day 4 there are 3 one hour sessions each day where you are requested not to move, so as to cause less disturbance to the mind, others and also to allow you to observe the sensations arising and passing.  And also to be with the sensations without trying to make them go away – learning equanimity.  The first session of this was like hell! I had pains in my legs, pain in my back, and ants crawling on the back of my neck, lots of suffering about it all!!  The second day, i decided to add another pillow to my seat, and, being more comfortable, there was less pain, but the ants seemed permanent! Lol!  Then it was really just watching the sensations in the body for the rest of the week.

Many thoughts arise during this time, and quite a few arose about my heading home to South Africa.  I realised during this retreat that, although i was ready to leave the UK, I hadn’t quite been ready to land in South Africa as there was some fear about starting my life from scratch ie. New job, place to stay etc.

I then gave lots of thought to how it would be when i get back and realised that it would be fine.  It may not be easy all the time, but things would work out okay – i have to just trust that.  Thus dawned my enthusiasm for going home, and so on day 7, with still 3 days to go of silence – i was bursting with excitement, just wanting to tell the world that i am going home!!!!!

Another thing that made me excited was when i realised that the psychotherapy i have trained in is really ‘Vipassana in relationship’ – and that renewed my enthusiasm to be a therapist.  So i was doubly excited – going home and being a therapist!

Around day 8, by body was in pain once again, and i was finding it difficult to remember that all things are impermanent.  The pain felt very permanent, and my body felt very solid!  I spent more sessions meditating on my bed – and surprisingly did not fall asleep!

The weather there was constantly changing – even if the pain in my body wasn’t !! LOL!  Initially it was really hot, and being in the sunshine was like being cooked alive. But after a few days, the clouds came in and it rained on and off for the rest of the retreat, which meant that it was cooler – so i was not going to complain with that!!  Still, it was really humid, and we had to make sure that our dress was appropriate – so sometimes i felt a bit overdressed for the weather outside.  The food was okay, with only a few of the dishes containing chilli – i managed to avoid them mostly, but attempted to try everything that they offered us.  There was a tub of chilli water at each meal, so that people could add their own, i instead had peanuts with every meal.  The deserts were most fascinating.  The one that stood out for me was the day we had these luminous green slug-shaped noodles, with dry floury dog-shaped treats – i decided to try it anyway.  To my fascination is was pretty tasteless, so the big bowl of condensed milk was visited.  I noticed that a lot of the food in Thailand is pretty tasteless if it does not have chilli in it, and obviously i tried to avoid those dishes – which is pretty much most of Thai food!

On the 10^th day of the retreat, at about 10am, you are given the go ahead to start talking and you are permitted to collect your belongings which were handed in at the beginning.  My camera – oh how i love my camera!!  It felt so good to get it back and to be able to take pics of the giant ants, and caterpillars and spiders and snails.  What i wasn’t able to take pics of were the two scorpions that we saw – one inside our dining room, and one near our shoes one evening.

On the day of our departure we still had to get up at 4am to watch a discourse and then breakfast at 6.30, the bus departed at 8.  Els and i sat next to each other and chatted the whole way into Bangkok, which made the journey seem so much shorter.  The first thing i did when i got back to my guesthouse was to go on the internet.  I had so many thoughts and ideas from the retreat that i needed to sort out, and e-mails to send, and friends to skype... i was up until midnight with no meditation in sight... lol!